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January
The University of Southern California destroyed Oklahoma Sooners in the Orange Bowl to win their second National Title Championship.
Despite a dominating performance the game will always be remembered for Ashlee Simpson's halftime show performance. Simpson
claims that she was booed for being a USC fan. It was either that or the fact that she sucked. Auburn was screwed by the BCS
after a very impressive undefeated season in the very tough SEC conference. They should've been in the National Title game
but 3 teams won't work so someone gets screwed if more than two teams finish with undefeated records unless your season ends
with a playoff. College football is the only sport where the season doesn't end with a playoff, I mean even Nascar and Golf
have gone to playoff formats to finish the year. January is also the month that Duke basketball player Reggie Love broke his
leg playing against Clemson. Yes the same Reggie Love who got drunk at a University of North Carolina party and as a result
was in some pretty embarressing photos after he passed out. What do you expect if you go to Duke and you attend a party at
a rival college. Finally, a couple of skanks uh I mean women were busted for having sex behind their hot dog stand in New
York City. How does that work exactly? Yeah I'll take a Gray's Papaya with mustard, relish, and a side order of sex? Belive
it or not, this happened again later in the year.
February
The New England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl and Freddie Mitchell gets 1 catch for 11 yards. Hey
nice job! I am sure that talking trash and hyping yourself up for the two weeks leading up to the game was a brilliant idea.
That was also the last time anyone said anything positive about Terrill Owens. Denny Neagle lands a job with the Tampa Bay
Devil Rays after getting fired from Colorado and losing $19 million from his contract after he paid $40 bucks for sex from
a prostitute. I hope that was worth it. A military officer was suspended for using an army helicopter to deliver pizzas to
his girlfriend. What, that's not cool? I never knew so many people committed crimes in the name of pizza. Dude was just trying
to impress his girl and now he's in military jail and will most likely be dishonorably discharged...idiot. Corey Feldman accuses
Michael Jackson of being a pedophile. Really? Well Mike can accuse you of being a loser who's movie career peaked in the 80's.
I do know that both are guilty of being weird. According to reports, the marriage between Britney Spears and Mr. Britney Spears
was on the rocks. That's hard to believe. If a dancing backstreet boy wanna-be and a famous skank can't make it work, then
who can? And how could I forget Tom Sizemore, the actor who played Pete Rose in the movie Hu$tle. He was busted for using
the Whizzinator to pass a drug test. That was not the last time we would hear about the Whizzinator in '05. While we are on
the subject of that Rose movie, I still want that wig Sizemore used. Seriously, its cool and I'll pay big.
March
Porn Star Ron Jeremy addressed the Oxford Debating Society. Ron Jeremy at Oxford? I look forward to Jenna Jameson's commencement
address at Cambridge. Martha Stewart was released from prison. She then went on to star on a reality show that no one watched.
Welcome home, M. The NFL announced that they would have a regular season game between Arizona and San Francisco in Mexico
City to gain fans in Mexico. Well, that should turn the Mexican citizenry off of football for about 5 decades. If you want
to gain fans wouldn't you send your best teams like the defending Superbowl champs the New England Patriots vs Indianapolis
or Seattle. A company introduced a line of scented bowling balls including black cherry, green apple, plum, grape, cinnamon,
and others. One professional said it helped him win a tournament because his licorice scented ball distracted his opponent.
Trust me, if the body odor from the locals in the bowling alley didn't throw him off, the scented ball wasn't going to do
the trick. Like a cinnamon scented ball is going to cover the stench of body odor, nachos, Aqua Velva and Hair Net. Probably
not. Then there was Fred Smoot who signed a new million dollar deal with the Minnesota Vikings and announced, I am going to
be taking my mom to Sizzler. Hey take it easy Fred. Don't spend it all in one place. You are rich now, take your mom to Morton's
or at least Olive Garden geez. At least he didn't surprise her with a Big Mac.
April
Britney Spears and Mr. Britney Spears star in a reality show. That was maybe the worst show ever. I feel like suing UPN for
my two hours back from the shows I watched. Former big leaguer Matt Keough blew a blood alcohol level of more than 2 ½ times
the legal limit, more than three hours after he did a hit and run on someone. That's impressive. What was he when he drilled
that guy? .99? Hey Matt if you can't call a friend call a cab and get your car the next day. April is the month Star Wars
fans lined up at wrong theater for Episode 3. I could be wrong, but maybe those guys are losers. Just maybe. 20, 30, and 40
year old virgin losers dressing up as darth vader. I never understood lining up for a movie anyway, not just Star Wars but
any movie. A concert I get, no two shows are the same but a movie is played 5 times a day and it doesn't change. When I go
to a theater to see a new movie and the line is more than 10 people I come back the next day. John Daly becomes the spokesperson
for Hooters. I like the pairing, it makes sense. One small problem, the deal gives him free food and beer. I'm shocked the
place is still in business. Free beer and wings for JD? What does he have a death wish? Tiger Woods wins the Masters again.
You know, I think the guy can play a little. Maybe he's good. Tiger rules! Tatum O'Neal went on her now infamous liquor fueled
lesbian rampage. Maybe the story of the year, at least for those who are into liquor fueled lesbian rampages. And then the
Dodgers got hot for about 2 weeks. It was the only 2 weeks of the season they weren't a complete embarrassment.
May
Oklahoma baseball coach Larry Cochell was the head baseball coach at Oklahoma. I stress "was", because he got fired
after using the n-word to describe one of his players...twice. Yeah, that'll do it. Then again, he did coach at Cal State
Fullerton, so I guess some stupidity was bound to rub off on the guy.
The Chess Club at Emory University in Atlanta played against felons. This is probably not that much of a miss match. The
felons have as much of a chance at beating the Emory students at chess as the students do of beating the felons at making
knives out of toothbrushes.
The runaway bride made her appearance in the headlines. Hated her then, hate her now. If you don't want to get married,
fine, but why the hell should I know about it? And stop blaming Hispanics with rotted teeth for your fake abductions. She's
a bug eyed freak, loser. I still hate her!
The New York Yankees continued to get rolled by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. That was a pretty good indication that something
was wrong with them this year. If you lose to the D-Rays, you're not a good team.
Finally we learned the guy who tossed a chair during the Pacers v. Piston riot was sentenced to probation and fined. What,
throwing a heavy chair into a mob of people is against the law? Since when? Being banned for life from the Palace at Auburn
Hills is worth throwing chairs into people and getting arrested, the guy is an idiot.
June
Johnny Damon apparently thought his caveman hair would act as a helmet and he went face first into the wall in centerfield.
Dude, long hair is not a crash helmet. Juan Gonzalez played in his first game of the season. He grounded out, tore his hammy
and didn't play for the rest of the season. You can score that as 1 At Bat for the 2005 season. Thanks for checking in Juan.
Lions defensive end Kalimba Edwards refused to give a police officer his license when he was stopped for a traffic violation.
The officer asked a second time. He refused. He asked a third time and told him if he didn't give it up, he was getting arrested.
He didn't and he was. There's some smart decision making. It's always a good idea to get confrontational with the cops. Growing
up with a mother that is also a lawyer let me know early on that you are fighting a battle you can't win. Just accept the
ticket and dispute it later on in court, there you can fight back. According to Ron Kittles book, Barry Bonds told Kittle
he wouldn't sign autographs for white people. That seems reasonable? Barry is a wonderful human being. And he wonders why
the media is "out to get him". Rod Stewart had another kid at 60. There's nothing like being in a grave when the
kid graduates high school. Good thinking Rod. The Yankees got swept by the Kansas City Royals. Seriously! June is also the
month Mike Tyson had a bizarre Mike Tyson press conference. He went out and got cold cocked by Kevin McBride. It's over Mike.
Get ready to start fighting animals at the circus, its all that's left.
July
-----Michelle Wie was in position to make the cut at the John Deere Classic before melting down on 3 of the last 4 holes to
miss the cut, way to go Michelle! Look, go pro, but learn how to win on the women's tour before you start trying to make cuts
on the men's. You have the game, now go learn how to close.
The Home Run Derby was played. No one cared and Bobby Abreu's season was ruined because of it. That was the only highlight.
Anna Benson was kicked out of the World Series of Poker for profanity. Whatever! Enough of her already! We get it. She's
married to a big leaguer, she's crazy and she's hot. We got it. Let's move on.
Curt Schilling debuts as a closer. How'd that work out Red Sox Fans?
According to a report in Newsweek, erection pills like Viagra and Levitra may cause blindness. Yeah, see if that stops
anyone. A functional unit is much more valuable than being able to see. You don't need to see to be able to fire your football
through your girlfriend's tire. That's about as blunt as those commercials are and they never air those commercials at the
worse times like when your mom visits or you are visiting your friend watching tv with his mom and sister.
Lance Armstrong won his 7th Tour de France. That's decent.
Mike Tyson said he was going to do porn with Jenna Jameson now that his boxing career is over. Sadly, there have been
no further developments in Mike's porn career. You know it isn't going your way when the porn industry doesn't want anything
to do with you. Stay out of Chatsworth Mike it isn't worth it.
August
Pedro Martinez almost became the first New York Met to ever throw a no hitter. He just missed, giving up a triple to Antonio
Perez of the Dodgers. Then Jayson Werth hit a homer and the Dodgres won 2-1.
Barrett Robbins went nuts in Tampa and was charged with attempted murder of police officers. Do you finally get it Raider
Fan? The guy has issues. He didn't go on a bender, he's mentally ill. There is a difference you know.
Matt Leinart enrolls in one college class, ballroom dancing. Maybe it wouldn't suck to be Matt Leinart. Dance, play football,
win national championships and be the man. Not too bad.
Livan Hernandez throws his glove into the seats after a bad outing, and then complains when a fan won't give it back.
Hey Livan, either stop acting like a 4-year-old and throwing your gear or stop giving up homeruns. It's one or the other.
A woman in Virginia urinates on herself so she doesn't lose her place in line for a $50 laptop computer. So, that&'s
the going price for your dignity? $50? Good thing we can put a number on that. Look, I know times are tough, but pissing yourself
for a cheap computer? I don't know about that.
And how could I leave out Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick who got outed as Ron Mexico after a woman claimed he
gave her an STD. Not good. Might be the most exciting player in the NFL, but Mike needs to mix in a condom.
September
Florida Marlins rookie Jeremy Hermida hits a pinch-hit grand slam in first MLB at-bat. Not a bad way to start off your Major
League Baseball career.
Florida State somehow beats Miami on the first weekend of the season. It was the last time anyone thought Florida State
was any good. They looked bad that night and the rest of the season proved that fact.
Chad Johnson broke out his Who Covered 85 in 2005 list. That was the start of a tremendous year for CJ.
Temple started their incredible run to a perfect no win 0-11 season, with a very impressive 63-16 drubbing by Arizona
State. And it wasn't even that close.
A stripper in San Diego shanked her customer when he said no to a lap dance. Memo to Strip Joint Patrons: Just say yes.
He must have been one of those guys who go to a strip club to play the video poker machine. Speaking of that, let me make
a quick statement that I do not go to strip clubs so the moron who's putting my name on video game high scores can stop because
its not flattering.
Also Texas Christian University beat up on Oklahoma. That was a pretty good sign that the Big 12, and OU in particular
were down this season.
October
The Anaheim Angels changed their name to capitalize on the Los Angeles market which is cool but the name change was ridiculous.
Now they are the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim near Fontana adjacent to San Bernardino and they hosted the Yankees in the
first round of the playoffs. I think it's safe to say A-Rod cemented his MVP award with his awesome .133 average, 5 strikeouts,
no homeruns and no RBI explosion. Paris Hilton thought everyone cared that she was not going to marry shipping heir fiancée,
Paris Latsis, saying she will handle the breakup with dignity and respect. I don't think anyone who's been on reality tv should
be using the words dignity and respect. The Texas Rangers announced that they are not interested in signing free agent left
hander Kenny Rogers. Why? Just because he threw a camera man and his gear to the ground? Come on! Juan Gonzalez takes up for
that lying, cheating, rat Rafael Palmiero. There's nothing like having another guy with suspect credentials be the only guy
who thinks your clean. That's like Scott Peterson taking up for OJ and Baretta. Juan would have said more but he was off on
his 8th honeymoon. And then Britney Spears and her husband, the dancing machine Kevin Federline reportedly have a sex tape.
This would have been huge 5 years ago, when people cared about what Britney was doing, but no one wants to see Mr. Britney
Spears. And now she's a mom who shows up at the grocery stores in bare feet slamming Cheetos on UPN unfortunately I watched
the show.
November
O.J. Simpson went house hunting in Buffalo, New York. There goes the neighborhood. Simpson had an incredible NFL career with
the Bills before turning into Freddy Krueger...allegedly. I would imagine that fewer and fewer people are going to be misplacing
their glasses in the Buffalo area in the near future.
Chad Johnson proposes to a cheerleader after scoring a touchdown for the Cincinatti Bengals. You would think he would
run out of ideas. Guess not. Hopefully he got his fiancee a raise.
Bill Callahan didn't like a call so he throat slashed a referee. Then he denied it. Too bad they caught it on tape Bill.
The guy's team is average at best and he's an embarrassment to a once proud program.
USC pulled off a tremendous Halloween prank. LenDale White got into a fake confrontation with coaches, then pretended
to throw himself off a building using a dummy dressed in his uniform. It worked, USC rolled Stanford. Oh yeah, before some
of my critics start sending emails about why this is in November remember this game took place in November. Apology accepted.
A woman was badly injured in a hot air balloon accident. When will the tragedies stop? How many women need to get dropped
out of a balloon and through a barn roof before the madness stops? These people do know this isn't 1906 right? Stop with the
hot air baloons.
Boston Celtics star Paul Pierce says he wouldn't be comfortable with a gay player guarding him. Yeah, that's it Paul.
Instead of trying to keep you from making a slam dunk, they're going to try and sex you up in front of 20,000 fans. Nice try
Paul.
And then former NBA star Jayson Williams sold the house he killed the limo driver in. What does that do to the re-sell
value? I know it can't help.
December
Wanna be boxer Kyle Farnsworth was dealt to the Yankees. Be careful Yankee Fan. Don't make this guy angry. He likes to fight
and he is very, very good at it.
A man convicted for indecent acts on a farm, and believe me I cleaned that up a lot, gets a $300 fine and community service.
People never cease to amaze and sometimes disgust me.
Six Flags fired that freaky old guy as their mascot. What took them so long?
Evander Holyfield says he still wants to fight. Stick to celebrity dancing Evander. Problem is, I think Peterman from
the dancing show could beat you in the ring.
The BCS actually gets one right and puts Texas and USC in the Rose Bowl. No props for being right once every decade.
Finally at the end of 2005, professional wrestling decided to institute drug testing. Why? They don't drug test the cast
of Desperate Housewives or Law and Order, why do these actors get singled out? That's BS!
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